Common causes of unfulfilling sex
This is the second installment of Mark O'Brien's discussion of sex in our society.
See Part 1, Longer Lasting Sex, the Reality, part 3, How to have more fulfilling sex plus Making Love by the same author
Common causes of unfulfilling sex
At the end of a long day, of dealing with work pressures, of kids and the plethora of kid related issues that bob up demanding attention, either party can feel an obligation to have sex in order to demonstrate closeness, love and affection to the other (and possibly to oneself as well).
If the man is tired, he may come quickly because his bodymind is exhausted and really just wants to fall asleep, but in the meantime he may have aroused his partner who is left gazing at the ceiling feeling frustrated and used while he snores. If the woman is the more tired one, and mothers can also be emotionally exhausted come bedtime, she may let him do his thing for a few moments before she pulls the plug, quite literally, and he comes and falls asleep while she enjoys perhaps the first bit of peace she’s had all day.
It can be also after that romantic dinner perhaps one or both parties have had a bit much to drink or either party is distracted, or any number of things where the timing is not quite right. Nerves can play a big part, such as on the first date where performance anxiety bites and everything is new and exciting and perhaps a bit too scary and a bit to soon…
Both man and women can get caught up in sexual fantasy and their minds get more excited than their bodies can deal with, even their partner’s bodies. Eg, if a woman/man is lost in a fantasy of wild sexual abandon and forgotten about the man inside her/the woman he’s inside of, then they may move in such a disconnected way that forces the issue. [See Barry Long’s teaching on this matter]
Not enough time
If time is limited, or kids are sick or demanding, trying to squeeze in lovemaking can be fraught.
Sex may be boring
Sexual skills are learnt and need to be updated just like any other skill.
One person does not enjoy sex as much as they think they should
This may be due to childhood issues, a history of abuse, religious guilt or shame about a physical or emotional problem. Or simply that they believe all of the hype in the media, and wonder why they are not having multiple orgasms morning and night, and that their breasts/penis/vagina are the wrong shape or size.
Unrealistic and media-driven expectations not meeting reality.
Common reasons why a man may finish quickly
• Not being present with the woman because he does not really like her, but just wants to ‘get laid’, so is using her.
• Wanting to be somewhere else, such as with friends or watching TV. This may arise from a fear of actually ‘being anywhere’, of being seen as being vulnerable if he is simply present without being guarded, which can be hard for men. Most men find it difficult to feel manly, to be sexual, when feeling vulnerable and not powerful and in control.
• Sexual conquest, predominantly for men but becoming more commonplace for women, is more about power and invulnerability than it is about emotional connection, and here is where sex can become empty, almost a charade where both parties pretend to be present but knowing otherwise.
• He may feel intimidated by the woman, feeling like he is just being used sexually while not feeling liked/loved. He is alert to this because he knows it in himself. He may also feel intimidated if he is insecure about whatever feelings he may or not be supposed to feel but finds it hard to relate to. If such a man is with an orgasm-chasing woman he can easily retreat into himself.
• Feeling mothered – feeling like a boy, castrated, by certain mothering type behaviour. While it is true many men actually look for their mother in their lover, none really want their ‘mother’ in bed.
• He may not feel attracted as he once was, comparing his partner to other more attractive women.
• Immature or inexperienced, concerned only with his own satisfaction.
Common reasons why a woman may want sex finished quickly
• Does not feel like the man is present with her, in or out of bed. Does he really like me, or does he just want a trophy wife/his meals cooked/bed warmed/mother for kids/someone to have sex with/all or some of the above?
• May be ‘finished’ after an emotionally draining day and agreed to sex to satisfy partner.
• Responding to blackmail, or some violence, physical or emotional, threatened or latent.
• Angry at the separation she senses between her and her partner, and angry her significant relationship has been reduced to sporadic sexual encounters that may or not provide relief. It can suddenly become very clear if the relationship has gotten stuck years ago, and if kids are involved tough internal bargains are made. Feeling trapped with a man she no longer feels connected to does not make for open lovemaking.
• She may not feel attracted or attractive as she once was.
• The man may be a lousy lover. Men will study sports form guides, computer and car manuals and spec sheets, but never books on childrearing or relationships, thinking such to be unmasculine, and wonders why …
Very few men learn/are taught how to be a good lover (as against a good sexual athlete). This usually requires an older woman’s guidance, and a willingness to learn. Because it is rare for young men have or take the opportunity to learn about sex from an older woman, it is up to women to teach men and men to teach women about what is pleasurable and what is not, when one feels the other is present or not, and this requires great honesty.
• The woman herself may be unskilled in sexuality, and by her own insecurity be performance oriented and in her enthusiasm to satisfy her man may inadvertently make her partner ejaculate thinking that is the most important thing.
• Sometimes women have shut down sexually over time, for any number of valid reasons, and could take it or leave it, while making themselves at least physically available. This attitude will guarantee sex that leaves the man unfulfilled and angry, and regardless of the qualities of friendship and companionship that may also be there in the relationship, they will deteriorate over time.
• Then there is also the issue of circumcision. Circumcised men have 80% less nerve endings in their penis, and while on the one hand this may help prevent over excitement, it also means the penis, and by (literally) extension the man, is far less sensitive to the nuances of the inside of a woman.
While it is fairly well known that some women have been known to fake their orgasms to give their partner an ego boost, or to draw to a close a sexual encounter, it appears that many men also fake their orgasms. See Why Men Fake Orgasms
Men will, it seems fake an orgasm for the same reasons that a woman will, and this can go undetected if a condom is disposed of quickly and if the woman is too preoccupied with her own experience that she does not feel the man's orgasm.
This is by no means a definitive list of possibilities but should be seen as a conversation starter (even if it is purely an internal conversation). See part 3 for some further reading.
See also Part 3 of this series Want fulfilling sex? by Mark O'Brien
Related to - Tantra and Sexuality
By Mark O'Brien