How to have more fulfilling sex

This is part 3 of a discussion on sex by Mark O'Brien
See part 1 Longer lasting Sex, the reality and part 2 Common Causes of Unfulfilling Sex
See also Making Love

What can you do if you want more fulfilling sex?


Talk to your partner

Chances are if you are feeling a lack around sex, so is your partner. While such a conversation may be confronting, ultimately everyone wants to be closer, to feel greater intimacy, to be able to relax more deeply with the other. And really, sex is pretty intimate, so if you are going to have sex with someone then talking is the least you can do. For some sex is too important and for others it is not important enough.

Some men can be addicted to sex, and need to have it whenever possible, and this can place a huge strain on the woman who will ultimately switch off in sex. Some women, particularly orgasm chasers, can be sex addicted and their lovers will feel used. Both men and women may avoid sex because they have had some bad experience(s). Talk and cuddle a lot, let them know you like them anyway.

Take your time

Slow down enough to actually connect with your lover, and that means stopping thinking about whatever it is you normally think about while you are having sex. Resist the temptation to think about work, about the kids, sport, or even planning your next series of sexual moves.

Be present, which means really feeling the other’s body, their breath, your own breath, how your body feels. Remember, if your lover likes you they’ll be happy to support greater presence in bed. If not then maybe they are not right for you and perhaps it is time to move on.

Be spacious

It can be that we are so focused on satisfying the other that we can get lost. Some women speak of feeling manipulated by the man doing this or that in order to get her hot so she has an orgasm, so making the man feel like he has done his duty and then he can have his orgasm without ever actually noticing what is happening with the woman or being intimate.

Many men pride themselves on their sexual performance as measured by the number and depth of their partner's orgasms, thinking that is what women want. This may in fact be true, particularly with casual sexual partners but this ultimately will create boredom and over time the woman will withdraw from sex either by becoming disinterested or by terminating sexual encounters quickly.

Similarly women may find themselves 'riding the performance train', feeling like they also have to orgasm wildly and often to make their man feel good, or going, on their own, for as many orgasms as possible regardless of where the man is at.

Give yourself and the other some room, maybe even choose to not orgasm sometimes to see how it is to have sex without the goal of 'satisfaction', without an obvious end point. Notice what happens to your connection with the other and your libido when you choose not to orgasm.

Be open to intimacy as well as sex

Mostly any lack of intimacy in sex is laid at the feet of the man, that it is because he is unable to face intimacy, to 'be' with his woman in a meaningful way. Women know they can be intimate with their female friends, so clearly she is 'OK', so it must be the guy's fault. And this is often the case, but not always.

Women can be just as fearful of coming close to a man as the man is, just more skilled and emotionally literate at deflecting it. Maybe even more so as she may have a history of feeling used by men.

See Common causes of unfulfilling sex for more discussion on this.

Be yourself

Often couples may not know each other very well prior to sex, and this can be confronting, so things get rushed. Slow down, enjoy your nervousness, your shyness. Your shyness may be the biggest asset you have. Be aware of overheating each other – enjoy yourself before you do those things that you know will make your lover come and then yourself or vice versa. 

Be respectful

Notice if your lover is less than enthusiastic about sex, and take a moment to tune in, to understand what is happening. If your lover feels seen and accepted in these moments they are more likely to see and support you which is immensely helpful in supporting intimacy and trust between you. Sometimes the issue will dissolve just be being acknowledged and more connected sex can ensue, and other times you may just have to postpone and settle for intimacy instead.

Do not rush into sex

Let your liking of the other person grow; let your trust in your connection grow before having sex. Lovemaking is a journey not a destination, a journey that starts with the initial attraction. If you are feeling tired then maybe just hold each other, regardless of the ‘must have sex’ signals your body sends you.

An erection is not as reliable an indicator of sexual readiness as it likes to think, so be wary of demanding sex at the first sign of a hard-on. Erections (and wet pussies) come and go, and should not define your life. If you are tired but open just visit long enough to feel connected and then separate, or let yourselves fall asleep while connected like that.

Masturbate

Try masturbating, alone or together, for a few nights, avoiding orgasm. If it starts getting hot for you, stop and cool off. This kind of masturbation is great training for being with another, to recognise when things are getting hot, how well you can cope with strong sensations, and most importantly to keep true to your intention. (It is one thing to decide not to orgasm when one is quiet, quite another to stick to that when the sensations get a bit strong)

Also, when masturbating do not fantasise about having sex with another, about porn or anything else. Stay present with the sensation – you may find you drift off into your thoughts, just like you do when your lover is there. Keep coming back to the sensation, and keep relaxing, again and again. And stop before you orgasm.

Be aware that this may be new to you, and it may feel very strange to not ‘finish off’, but your excitement will soon settle down. Mantak Chia (see notes) describes some good breathing exercises to help with this.

Chances are that the time you are able to enjoy masturbating without orgasm will reflect the time your lovemaking usually lasts.

Masturbating also allows us to experience our own sexual energy without the other and without anyone’s emotions and expectations.

Allow oodles of time

Have you ever made love for an hour? For two hours? For three hours? Have you ever spent a day in bed, a weekend in bed? Have you even just ‘hung out’ with each other in intercourse with little movement, chatting or not? Have you ever just lay there totally still and quiet? How does it feel to contemplate these ideas? Most people feel they do not have the time to devote hours to lovemaking, yet make time for TV. What is important to you?

It can also be that sometimes sex is fast and hot and urgent – this can be fun, but don’t get stuck there as there are many more interesting places to go.

Be clean and hygienic

Make sure you are clean and fresh smelling. Clean your teeth, especially if you have been drinking or smoking. Have a shower. If you have any concerns regarding an STD take care of it.

Consider the other

Lovemaking pretty much always works best when both parties put the other first while still considering their own needs and wants. No need to be obsessive about this though, and allow yourself to feel, to be receptive to whatever your partner does for you, and allow yourself to give wholeheartedly to the other – this may let you see your partner in a whole new light, and simply dissolve all kinds of tensions without having to do anything.

Do some reading

Do you expect to use Photoshop without some tuition? Could you do a PowerPoint presentation without lessons? Film editing? It does not mean you have a problem or are sex-obsessed to want to do some research about sex, orgasm and lovemaking. Sex is such an important part of life and it is so easy to get it wrong, to not get it, and resign yourself and your sexual partners to a lifetime of dissatisfaction. See below for some options for further 'study'.

See also Making Love by the same author


Further reading

Australian Tantric master Barry Long has written extensively about sex potentially being the making of love inside a woman’s body. He describes how the penis must be trained (via techniques he devised and also describes in his Making Love tapes) to withstand, to ‘hold’ the beauty of the woman as she falls into lovingness. See

David Deida, sexual therapist and author, writes about it being the woman’s archetypal job to pull the sperm from the man, to try and unbalance him, to pull him out of his life purpose (a la Adam and Eve), while it is the man’s job to not be swayed, to be true. Quite radical in his approach, he has lots of interesting things to say, though is not for everyone and should be taken with a grain of salt as he has his own issues. See

Mantak Chia became quite famous for his books on cultivating sexual energy a la the Tao. Worth a look and worth learning some techniques if only to discard later while retaining the ones that work for you.

Marnia Robinson’s book, Peace Between the Sheets is definitely worth a read, and an experiment. Explaining the latest in sexual neurological research into orgasm and its impact on relating Marnia is very down to earth but also quite radical, and ultimately quite revolutionary. She has also written a new book, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow.
See Marnia's site for forums, great articles and all kinds of contemporary sexual conversations.

There are lots of Tantra teachers who run workshops and have written books teaching people techniques of making love. Osho (aka Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh) wrote dozens of books on sex and Tantra, possible the 20th century's leading authority on Tantra even if his understanding of women is somewhat incomplete.

See also The Heart of Tantric Sex by Diana Richardson (Satya Puja) which was previously published as The Love Keys: The Art of Ecstatic Sex
"How to keep love fresh and new is the real challenge for lovers today. Indeed, how can we increase this love and make it grow? In its unique and intelligent approach to sex, Tantra offers answers that have the effect of enhancing intimacy and deepening love. When we validate sexuality by incorporating consciousness, we discover sex to be a healing spiritual force. And, surprisingly, the sexual interest does not gradually 'burn out' – the attraction increases. The sexual experience gests finer and finer as time passes… Tantra, which is everybody’s birthright, removes the darkness and brings light to life."

Margot Anand has also become famous internationally for her Tantra workshops, what she has called SkyDancing Tantra, as well as being author of some groundbreaking work. Visit

In Sydney see also the Intimacy Circle website for intimate discussion groups

Do a google search, find someone your resonate with. For some links to interesting sites about sex go to.

Related to - Tantra and Sexuality

By Mark O'Brien

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1 comments

Marlies May 17, 2011 11:35am

Thanks for adding me to the mailing list.
:) M

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