One-liners to drive you nuts

Phone answering machine message.
 “...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home’.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.“
“Is it common?“
“It’s not unusual.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?“
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?“
“No, because he’s really heavy.”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.”
The other one says, “So are you, you fat bastard!”

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the boobs!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine’.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”  
The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore.”

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